College: Year One

Only a year ago my world was limited to the rural New England town I grew up in. At this time last year I was filled with wonder, excitement, and most importantly, anxiety about my upcoming trip to the Adirondack mountains. LaVida is not the beginning of my story, and it’s not the end, it’s not even the climax, but it is the beginning of a new chapter.

My story begins in small-town Vermont and New Hampshire, surrounded by Christian family members – extended and immediate – and Christian friends from my private Christian elementary and high school and from my non-denominational Church. I grew up in the Connecticut River Valley, on the Vermont side of the river in a small town called Windsor, the same town my mom grew up in and only thirty minutes south of the New Hampshire town my dad grew up in. I’m a real hometown girl, born and raised in the Green Mountains.

My story doesn’t really change much until a year ago when I was led to Gordon College and made the uncharacteristic decision to spend thirteen days in the New York wilderness with a bunch of strangers. Fear of the unknown plagued my every waking thought the summer before this excursion, and every day I thought that perhaps I should just do Discovery, the (*cough*lame*cough*) LaVida alternative. But the day came to leave home, a day that would only be the diving board for a year filled with unknowns that would lead to a life filled with unknowns – a life of extreme faith and trust that God will lead me to it and through it and be there on the other side.

I can’t imagine a more fitting start to the new chapter in my life. LaVida, as the popular saying goes around campus, was the best experience I’ll never do again. But as difficult as some moments were, God really used those two weeks to introduce me to a stronger, more independent person – the me He was helping me become.

Once on campus, one of the first experiences I had with the AJ Gordon Honors Program was a whole-group meeting where we discussed the findings of our Strengths Quest test results. Before being introduced to this leader-building community, I hadn’t thought that I necessarily had the qualities to be a leader. I’m a rather quiet person (most of the time), I don’t like big groups, and I most certainly don’t like everybody’s attention on me. When I first heard my top five strengths (according to this test), I basically filed them away thinking I would never look at them again. I’ll be quite honest – I didn’t look at or even think about the results of my Strengths Quest test for several months, until I had to pull them back out to write this narrative. As I’ve reflected on them over the summer, I’ve been able to both focus in on how I can use these gifts in a specific way that most honors God and see the big picture of the global impact of my life.

My strengths (according to the test) were (in this order): Achiever, Harmony, Discipline, Learner, and Consistency. My first year at Gordon was mostly consumed with figuring out who I am and how I can best use my specific gifts to make a lifelong impact on this world, even though I didn’t always think of my gifts in those specific terms.

Now that I’ve had some time to digest the past year, I can see how God worked through all the struggles that college brings. When I first got home this summer, my mind was consumed with the ways I’d messed up – the friendships I may have ruined, the ways I neglected my relationship with God, the people I could’ve helped but didn’t, the times I chose late nights with friends over much-needed sleep and study. I couldn’t help but think what a failure and waste of time my first year of college was and what I would do differently if I could go back and start all over. I even thought about giving myself a fresh start at a new school, but I felt that God had called me to Gordon and He’d allowed me to make those mistakes so that I would learn from them and gain wisdom.

Now that I’ve had time away from school, I’m able to analyze last year with fresh eyes – yes, I made some friendships that I regret, and I may not have always used my time wisely – but if I look in between the obvious lines, past the glaring failures, I can see how God was and is carving me into a stronger person.

One of the most defining moments of my freshman year was the realization that the major I’d been set on for a good year and a half was not necessarily the one for me. Now I can see the correlation between the results of my Strengths Quest test and my decision to switch to a more fitting major, but at the time all I knew was that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t see myself being happy with the future I was headed towards. Deciding to give up Music Education for a more abstract career in Music Therapy (or really who-knows-what) was a hard decision to make. I’ve always been a planner – I don’t like leaving anything to chance. If I can have control over something in my life, I would choose that over taking a risk. At least, that’s who I used to be. I don’t even know how or why I got to this place, but I decided I would rather pursue something I really love right now and not have as clear a picture of my future than choose the safer route and have a [basically] guaranteed job when I get out of college that I’m less than content with.

Exploring my options with the Pike Program helped me really think for myself and create a major around what I love and who I am rather than trying to fit myself into a pre-made mold (even though I opted for not pursuing a Pike major). At the heart of this all was not just trying to choose a major, but trying to figure out who I’ve become and trying to hone my God-given strengths to the best of my ability.

I can’t say I necessarily know where I’ll be five years from now. I can’t say that I’ll stay a double major in Music and Psychology (at this point I’d like to, but that could change). I can’t say that I have a solid idea of what I want to do with my life, but I think I’m at the right place right now. I know that where God has me today is where He wants me; but this might not be where He wants me to stay. One of the strengths that my Strengths Quest test did not reveal is adaptability, and I think that’s because it’s something I’ve developed more over the past year – it’s my newest super power. The ability to be flexible and trust my future to God (without losing sight of the big dreams I do have!) has helped me live out one of our LaVida mottos – “Be Here Now.”

This all sounds pretty idealistic and rather vague, but through people in my life (my parents, the girls I lived with in my dorm, friends and family from home, employers and coworkers, professors and mentors at school) God has led me to some insights into my strengths and my specific areas of interest. I’ve learned that a leader isn’t always someone who leads a big group of people or who plans campus-wide events. A leader can be someone – like me – who works well one-on-one with people, especially people who the rest of society has overlooked or forgotten about, most notably the elderly and disabled. A leader can be someone who quietly but confidently stands up for what she believes, even in the face of strong resistance. A leader can be someone who works hard in the background.

As with most teens and young adults, I often think about my identity. Who am I, really, and what makes me who I am? My first year of college was an unconscious search to discover myself. I tried to find my identity in other people, in the friendships and relationships I built throughout the year. But when those didn’t live up to my expectations, where could I turn to find my identity? I had, if you will, an identity crisis. Was I to be defined by an online profile, the friends I had, the major I pursued, the church I went to, the state I was from? I still grapple with these questions daily, but one of the most important lessons I learned and something I cling to each and every day is that my identity is in Christ. Galatians 2:20 and John 3:30 are verses that have become much more real to me as I try to figure out not just who I am but who I want to be.

Galatians 2:20 “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.”

John 3:30 “He must increase; but I must decrease.”

As someone who is constantly analyzing her life, I’m still sorting through the life-changing year that I wrapped up only a few short months ago. I’m still trying to find the silver lining in the occasional storm cloud. I’m still figuring out how I ought to I live in light of everything I learned last year. Most importantly, though, I still trust each day into God’s hands, because as much as I need to seek practical wisdom for living out each day, ultimately my story has been and continues to be written by Him. It’s easy for me to get discouraged about the ways I have messed up in the past, even though they’re not very drastic to most people. Although I often wish I could go back and change things to avoid mistakes, I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I wasn’t the person I was yesterday. So as painful as certain things in my life have been, as difficult as certain lessons have been to learn, I know that God will use all things for good.